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12 Lessons from My 39th Year

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I began doing this birthday exercise a couple of years ago after I was introduced to the idea by Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast. As I read through hundreds of journal entries from my last year, the theme of my 39th year seemed to jump off the pages at me: relearning the lessons I thought I had already mastered. Through these pages, I witnessed myself frequently reframing my inner narrative, taking a step back, zooming out, and trying to notice the lessons I’ve learned…and learned again, and again. 

 

For a brief moment I let shame get to me, with its unhelpful critique of “You should have known how to handle that with more wisdom,” or “you know better than to be so hard on yourself.” But the truth is, we never become infallible or impervious, despite how much practice we’ve had, even if you’re a life coach that teaches self-compassion and mindfulness for a living. We can’t check a box on how human nature has hardwired us to operate, survive and thrive. We can remain curious about why these lessons resurface, and we can go deeper on our healing around them. I’ve come to see this as an incredibly valuable opportunity. 

 

I can see the impact of better understanding myself, and the subsequent attunement to the world outside of me. The quality of my lived experience simply improved. And thus was the undertone for my 39th year – swallowing my pride and embracing a beginner’s mind. I hope that you find my lessons helpful to your own life as well. 

 

Lesson #1 – November 2023

Let go of the things that don’t belong to you. Cherish what is yours – your family, your friendships, your specialness, your worries, your grief, your friendships, your power. All the rest? Return to sender.

In November I was set back by a combination of simultaneous flu and covid, as well as the offset of an ongoing conflict with a friend that took the wind out of me. Looking back, I am saddened by how much time, energy and headspace I gave that conflict over the last year. I tend to take on a lot of emotion from others, and this experience was a pivotal lesson in protecting my emotional and energetic boundaries. I didn’t do a great job at it, but I know that is exactly what I need to practice, so that I can be present with all the beautiful (and not so beautiful, but important) things that do belong to me. 

 

Lesson #2 – December 2023

Community and connection have the power to heal and sustain us.

December was hectic with holiday fun, obligations, and trying to put a bow on 2023 at work. It was so busy that I barely journaled, so I turned to my iPhone photos to rekindle the sentiment of last December. What stood out to me was my deep gratitude for the people that filled this hectic month with meaning. I feel deeply fortunate to have such depth and breadth of relationships, knowing that I am surrounded by support and love from so many circles. Over the holidays, I had the opportunity to be there for loved ones during a time of grief, and in offering that support, I was reminded of the transformative power of authentic love and connection. Though I didn’t do it with anything in return in mind, it was a poignant lesson in how vital community truly is.

 

Lesson #3 – January 2024

There are so many “parts” within each of us that are trying to help us. If we can befriend our internal cast of characters, we can clear the way to self-love.

In January, I set my 2024 intention of “magnetic.” I wanted to attract more of the moments that made me feel buzzy. I felt connected to this intention for the most part, except when my old friend Self-Doubt appeared to knock me down a peg from time to time. As part of the Pathfinder Coaching Program’s retreat in January, we created a workshop focused on “Parts” work, a method that helps you understand the different emotions, behaviors, or inner personas that may hold conflicting beliefs or needs within you – think of the movie Inside Out. The concept is that when you understand the role that each of these parts play, you can begin to create a healthier inner dialogue between the parts, heal unresolved inner conflicts, which lead to a greater self-understanding. 

 

In order to facilitate this, I had to do the work myself. It was absolutely illuminating to explore the various parts of me, and how much they contradict each other – it’s wild in there! Some of my parts included: the good girl, the rebel, the responsible one, the wild one, the manager, the little girl, the fixer, the perfectionist, the empathizer, the helper, the sensitive, the weakling, the warrior, the romantic, and the pragmatist. When fear or insecurity surfaced, I found it grounding to identify the part of me that felt threatened, offer it care and understanding, and then move forward with renewed steadiness.

 

Lesson #4 – February 2024

Let the light both fill us, and shine forth from us.

I was poetically inspired in February. This passage from Mark Nepo’s Drinking from the River of Light struck me, “Through the window of our mind we take in endless patterns that help us understand the web of life. Through the window of our heart, we feel the thousand ways we are affected by other life, the thousand ways we are each other. It’s imperative that we love our windows and care for them.” This month, in the middle of the Pathfinder Coaching program (which requires significant self reflection and awareness for both the coach and client), I became aware of how much I am filled with light when I have these authentic exchanges with my clients who are doing this work. Though I am the facilitator, helping others to find their light, I draw inspiration and strength from these clients, and find myself again with a beginner’s mind. I dreamt a lot this month, and asked myself “what is my dream?” I want to do this more often. 

 

Lesson #5 – March 2024

At our core, all we truly long for is to be seen, understood, and valued for who we authentically are.

March brought up a swell of grief, looming on the one year anniversary of the tragic shooting at the Covenant School in Nashville. I grappled with my grief, helped clients make sense of theirs, and learned so much from them. I experienced some shame and imposter syndrome around my grief – since I was not directly related to any of the victims, I minimized and invalidated my grief. Despite all the data I know to be true, I experienced for myself that unchecked grief turns into a pressure cooker of emotions. I reframed my shame into “you are a loving person who feels deeply connected to your community.” I went to therapy, attended the Safer TN human chain that spanned nearly four miles through downtown Nashville, and wrote an email to The Happy Hour community expressing my feelings. I felt relieved, connected, and less alone after letting out my “undeserved” grief, and I didn’t feel like an imposter once it was out in the open. I received a lot of replies of community members feeling the same way, and feeling less alone after connecting in this way. 

 

As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Big Magic, “authenticity has quiet resonance that never fails to stir me. Just say what you want to say, then, and say it with all your heart.”

 

Lesson #6 – April 2024

Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more.

This is a lyric from a song that my kids were singing on repeat in April, and it really resonated with me. I found myself caught up in a lot of minutiae in my worklife this month, which felt constrictive and a little desperate. I did a lot of reflecting on my “why” and asked myself, “what would it look like to approach life from my highest power?” I wanted to take a page out of my kids’ book and tune into truth and child-like joy in order to find the wisdom of my adult self. Cue the aforementioned song lyric. Dance parties helped too. 

 

Lesson #7 – May 2024

10x is easier than 2x.

I was enveloped in this book by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy this month. 10x is Easier Than 2x is a book about concepts you can apply to grow your business, and how going for 10x growth is actually easier and more doable than 2x. It seems counterintuitive, but this book took me by surprise in a personal sense more than anything. I explored my top 20% in my personal life, and strategized how to prioritize those things, while giving myself permission to ditch the other 80%. I’m not all the way to ditching the bottom four fifths of what takes up my time, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor. I love how the authors talk about wealth creation being a compilation of time, relationships, money and purpose. 

 

Lesson #8 – June 2024

Recognize and embrace your unique strengths, even without external validation.

This month I spent time reflecting on my “unique ability,” another concept from the book I mentioned in May’s lesson. Even when we aren’t getting external high fives or accolades, we always have a unique ability – each and everyone one of us. This exercise may feel a little egotistical, but it is meant to help remind you of what you’re made of. It doesn’t imply that you shouldn’t try to improve your weaker muscles, but rather, not to let them take up more air time than your strengths. When you focus on maximizing your exceptional qualities, you will go further than trying to slightly improve across a wide range of areas, where you’ll theoretically be just OK at a bunch of stuff instead of exceptional at a few things. 

 

Lesson #9 – July 2024

Before our inner critics got so big, we were born with unbridled love.

This came to me the night before my son’s fifth birthday. Since the day he was born, he opened me up to so much love, kindness, and faith that I didn’t know was possible. It sounds cliche… and a little nauseating, I admit, but cliches are cliches for a reason I suppose! Reflecting on his uniqueness, particularly his unbridled love, made me begin to question when we start to lose that natural instinct. I prayed that nothing would ever happen to make him dim that light, and in doing so was reminded that we all have this light. What would it take to amplify that light in me regularly? How can I be more like George?

 

Lesson #10 – August 2024

It’s ok not to have all the answers.

I said goodbye to my shadow of 12 years, my dog Nacho. In addition to practicing my own healthy grieving, I was pushed to my depths of holding space, as my kids were devastated by the loss. The loss, which also propelled hundreds of questions around death and faith. I so badly wanted to fix this for them and take on their pain, but this was an exceptional lesson for all of us in the importance of sitting with discomfort. I wanted to give them some sort of certainty or timeline of what they’d feel next, but I simply didn’t know, and I had comfort in knowing that that was ok. Presence with the discomfort is the only way through. 

 

This passage from poet, yung pueblo, resonated with me this month: “Down moments will try to make you forget how much you have actually accomplished. You have overcome too much to let heavy emotions confuse you. Stop listening to the noise and ground yourself in the fact that storms do not last forever.” 

 

Lesson #11 – September 2024

When in doubt, go back to the basics.

This month was full of life with our first-ever THH Retreat, closing on a new home, surviving back to school, launching a mobile app, my 14th wedding anniversary, my hubby’s bday, my daughter turning seven, and the realization that there’s no turning back time. I felt myself teetering on overwhelm in September, and found comfort in going back to the basics. I grounded myself time and time again with the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is my 20% What felt good today? Who am I? What is my why?

 

On the flight to our retreat, I worked through The Happy Hour’s Core Value exercise for the umpteenth time, to reground myself on what was important in that particular season of life. It was a helpful reminder of what I wanted to embody during those intense few days facilitating deep personal discovery with the retreat participants. While at the retreat, I bought a book by Alexandra Elle, called How We Heal, that started off with an inspiring “fill in the blank” exercise that I’ll share below. 

 

The magic that happened during the retreat felt like the start of a new chapter. I’m not entirely sure why, but that was the feeling I had. I’m trusting my gut enough to go with it. 

 

Ten Reasons Why I Heal (Alexandra Elle)

I am healing because I want…

I am healing because I need…

I am healing because I deserve…

I am healing because I feel…

I am healing because I see…

I am healing because I love…

I am healing because my…

I am healing because I am…

I am healing because I can…

I am healing because I choose…

 

Lesson #12 – October 2024

Embrace the gift of slowing down to listen within.

After the retreat in September, I felt renewed with positive energy and started thinking about my upcoming year. The last year in my 30s. My hope for this year is to show up fully as an adult, without holding back because of worry or “shoulds,” and to live fully in my authentic presence that has come out of her shell in the last 5 years…to let that be my home, my comfort zone, my beacon. 

 

I started pulling Animal cards (almost) daily, to help ignite self reflection, an idea one of my beloved clients introduced me to on our retreat. Against the odds, I pulled “Lamb” and “Owl” on six out of the 21 days that I pulled cards. Btw, there are 78 cards total, if you want to do the math. The themes of each of these cards are as follows:

  • “Lamb” – Peaceful, prophetic, patient
  • “Owl” – Abundance, clairvoyant, treasures

 

These were timely reminders as I walked into my 40th year of life. I feel like life is just beginning.

Life Coaching Was The Lifeline I Didn’t Know I Needed

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I’ve always been a strong believer in asking for help when life gets overwhelming. I’d sought out therapy when life threw me curveballs in the past, and it had really helped me process grief and the residual fear from a traumatic experience. But what happens when life isn’t overwhelming? What do you do when life is decidedly underwhelming?

 

A friend introduced me to The Happy Hour, and after speaking to them, they confirmed my suspicion that I wasn’t in need of therapy, but instead encouraged me to give life coaching a try. As a high achieving, driven, and organized person, I’d never thought life coaching could make a big difference to my life. Turns out I was wrong because life coaching was the lifeline I didn’t know I needed.

 

After grad school things didn’t turn out quite as planned… which seems to be par for the course for many millennials. I found myself overworked, uninspired and burnt out. So instead of diving back into the corporate world, I decided to do some freelance work while I figured out what was next for me. Freelance turned into starting my own business, and working reasonable hours with clients I felt passionate about. This shift left me more fulfilled in some ways but wasn’t without its tradeoffs. The corporate world can provide financial security, community, and a clear career trajectory. Entrepreneurship can lack all of those.

 

All that said, I was doing okay, my life just didn’t look how I’d planned. In many ways I felt like a failure, even though rationally I knew that wasn’t true. While I couldn’t put my finger on any one thing that was majorly wrong, nothing felt majorly right either. If you were to ask me how things were going, the most honest answer would have been “meh”.

 

3 ways life coaching was a game changer:

 

CLARITY

After my first session with my coach, I was in tears. WTF? That was not how I saw that going. She didn’t just listen to me, she heard me. This became apparent when she nudged me out of my comfort zone by challenging some of the stories I was telling her… and myself. I realized some of the things I was fixating on actually weren’t that big a deal, but that there were underlying limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors that I wasn’t consciously aware of. 

 

ACTION PLAN

After we spent some time diving into those limiting behaviors – why they were there, how much they were rooted in reality, and what we could do to move past them – she helped me map out an action plan. As a goal-oriented person this was right up my alley. She made sure my goals were incremental, attainable, and would serve me in the long run, rather than just being a temporary band-aid. 

 

We also allowed for flexibility in this plan. Sometimes the journey isn’t linear, no matter how much I want it to be. She coached me through learning to bend and pivot. I learned to accept that maybe the initial destination I defined was actually just a lesson on the way to something much bigger and much more aligned with who I am.

  

ACCOUNTABILITY

I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I don’t pre-book a gym class, or workout with a personal trainer, I’m much more likely to hit snooze when my alarm goes off at 5am than I am to get up and work out alone. I need that accountability. For some reason needing that same accountability when working on my life in general, my happiness, my fulfillment made me feel like a failure. (Remember those limiting beliefs I mentioned before? This was one of them.) 

 

I now know the only way I can fail myself is to be too proud to ask for someone to hold me accountable for taking action. It keeps me on track to my goals, and in the grand scheme of things, serves as a reminder to put myself first. When I put myself first, I’m a better business owner, and a better friend.

 

Did life coaching solve all my problems? Nope. It was never supposed to. What it did do was give me perspective, helped me define a new direction, and provided me with the skills I needed to take things in my stride without being so hard on myself.

It also made me realize some of the things I thought were problems, weren’t problems at all. Coaching helped me to establish clear boundaries (in life and work), and to rebuild the confidence that I’d lost- which has made me happier and more fun to be around. As a whole, I now feel like I’m in a place of flow. And when I next feel stuck, I know my life coach will be there to help me navigate my way back to peace again.

 

This guest blog was written by one of The Happy Hour’s coaching clients who has requested to remain anonymous.


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